A Naked Little Pistachio

For most of my life, I was a marshmallow: soft and squishy, easily molded and swayed by the slightest pinch of emotion. I was a passenger in life's car, white-knuckling the "oh shit" handle, always on the brink of plunging into a whirlpool of feelings.

I had a reputation for being easily moved—anything above a modest level 4 on the emotional Richter scale could send me into tears. Movies? Check. Books? Double check. Heart-to-heart conversations? Give me a few days to recover, please.

The first example that comes to mind — when Gabriella left Troy in High School Musical 2, I cried. For a long time. A longgggggg time.

It was comical, sort of – at least, everybody in my circle thought so. This led me to be the bud of many a joke – oh, don’t say that around Maddy, she’ll cry! Ha ha ha, yes yes. It was hilarious.

Don’t worry - I sifted through the haters and now only collect friends who love me in all my forms.

Eventually, I got sick of it – and something shifted. I ditched my fragility, let go of the “oh shit” handle, and decided to drive.

Oh yeah baby, I’m a sexy little race car driver now.

I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along my windy road, I turned into… a pistachio. Sure, you can crack through the tough shell, but what you find inside isn't exactly soft and yielding.

Now, before you picture me as emotionally impenetrable, let me clarify. Outwardly, I try to project toughness and independence. But beneath that hardened exterior lies a core of vulnerability, longing, and, honestly, struggle. I find myself lonelier in this state than when I was open to every touch of emotion.

Despite my efforts to find an emotional middle ground, I now grapple with emotional availability, particularly in romantic relationships, but also platonically. No matter how much I yearn for connection, a part of me remains closed off, wary of fully exposing myself.

It's a paradox— I've gone from being a marshmallow craving protection to a pistachio longing to rediscover that softness and openness. Yet, no matter how fervently I strive to break free from my protective casing, I'm stuck in a cycle of self-imposed isolation.

And therein lies the heart of my ramble—the realization that transformation isn't always straightforward. As I reflect on my own journey, I regret that in my relentless quest to toughen up, I may have inadvertently erected barriers that hinder my ability to form deep, meaningful connections.

The armor I meticulously crafted to shield myself from pain and vulnerability may have inadvertently become a barrier to intimacy and authentic relationships.

This ramble is also to remind you that regardless of where you fall on the emotional spectrum, you're not alone. Whether you resonate more with the softness of a marshmallow or the resilience of a pistachio, your journey is uniquely valid. Your struggles, however daunting they may seem, are undeniably real.

In a world that glorifies strength and stoicism, it's good to remember that vulnerability is not synonymous with weakness. It takes courage to embrace our vulnerabilities and to allow ourselves to be seen in our entirety, flaws and all. It's through this vulnerability that true connection blossoms—the kind of connection that transcends superficiality and consensually touches you right in the heart. It’s brave and hot.

Ultimately, I hope to find a middle ground where I am both resilient and open and where I blend the strength to face life's challenges with the vulnerability necessary for deep human connection. It's a journey of balance, where I strive to embrace all facets of my being and thrive in the delicate harmony between toughness and softness.

Rather than being a marshmallow or a pistachio, I aspire to be a nice mixed texture. Maybe a bowl of Capn Crunch.

If you don’t know, I’m a speech-language pathologist by trade, and the mixed texture reference made me giggle. Hehehe.

For now, I am just a naked little pistachio sharing my struggles, hoping that my message resonates and that it gives you permission to be gentle with yourself. Whether you're a marshmallow or a pistachio, your journey is valid, your struggles are real, and you deserve love and connection just as you are.

With my whole heart,
Your Maddy