Actually, Don’t Pick Me.

Pick me! Choose me! Love me! We’ve all experienced that uncomfortable energy when women compete for male validation, as if we’re all auditioning for the same role in a rom-com. (I also have beef with most rom-coms, but that’s a blog post for another day.)

The phenomenon of “pick-me” energy is a hot topic, with many people voicing their grievances about women who seek this validation. Ironically, while the intent is often to enlighten, these discussions can sometimes feel contradictory and generally miss the bigger picture. “Pick-me” energy is a nuanced issue deserving of compassionate examination. It’s not just about calling out behaviors; it’s about understanding why we fall into these patterns and offering ourselves—and others—a little more grace.

To illustrate the pick-me impulse, picture yourself at a party. There’s that one girl across the room, effortlessly making everyone laugh. Suddenly, you feel like you’re in a race, like you have to be funnier, cuter, or more interesting just to get noticed. Before you know it, you’re throwing out self-deprecating jokes and turning up the charm, hoping someone—anyone—picks you.

But let’s be honest—that energy is coming from a place of insecurity. It’s not your authentic self shining through; it’s that little voice inside that’s convinced there’s only so much space for love and attention, so you’d better fight for it. And when you’re stuck in “pick-me” mode, it’s like you’re auditioning for a part that doesn’t exist, chasing approval instead of simply showing up as yourself. People can sense that neediness, and it rarely leads to the genuine connection you’re hoping for.

Reflecting on my own moments of “pick-me” behavior, it’s easy to fall into a spiral of shame. But here’s the thing: we’re all learning. Instead of beating ourselves up over it, why not look at these experiences as part of our growth? It’s okay if you’ve been there. What matters is that you’re here now, working toward something better—toward being more you. This self-acceptance allows us to move forward with compassion and a commitment to authenticity.

Setting boundaries is essential in this journey. Reflecting on whether something aligns with your values empowers you to be more resolute in your convictions, making you less likely to fall into the “pick-me” impulse. Ask yourself: Does this situation align with who I am? Is this relationship nurturing or draining? By taking these moments to reflect, you reinforce your own standards, making it easier to stand firm when you encounter the pressure to seek validation. Establishing clear boundaries is a radical act of self-love, reminding you that your feelings and needs are valid.

Living in “pick-me” mode comes with personal costs. This behavior can manifest as constantly putting others’ needs before your own or feeling inferior when you don’t receive the attention you crave. At first, it might seem harmless, but over time, it can erode your self-esteem. Seeking validation often leaves you feeling empty and unfulfilled. Ultimately, your worth isn’t tied to someone else’s choices. When you embrace your authentic self, the right people will naturally gravitate toward you. 

Another game-changer? Decentering men. And no, I don’t mean ignoring or dismissing the men in your life—I mean not placing your worth in their hands. When you stop looking for validation from them, you can finally start seeing yourself as the main character in your own story. Focus on your passions, your friendships, and the things that light you up. 

This shift doesn’t just help you. It disrupts those tired, old narratives that tell us women have to compete for attention. It challenges the idea that men are the gatekeepers of our worth. When we, as women, stop trying to outshine each other for male approval, we open the door to deeper, more authentic relationships—both with ourselves and others.

It’s also worth mentioning that “pick-me” energy doesn’t only hurt women. It traps men, too, reinforcing the pressure they feel to measure their value by how many women are vying for their attention. It’s an outdated, unhealthy dynamic for everyone involved. By choosing authenticity, we can create a space where we’re all free to just be ourselves—no performances, no competing, no “picking.”

Breaking free from “pick-me” energy isn’t just a relief; it’s liberating. When you stop chasing validation, you stop carrying the weight of others’ expectations. You start trusting your own voice. Conversations become more fulfilling because you’re not trying to prove anything. You’re just showing up as you—and that’s more than enough.

So, how do you break free from “pick-me” energy? It’s different for everyone, but a good place to start is by reconnecting with yourself. What do you love about you? What makes you feel alive? Write it down if that helps. Practice setting boundaries and honoring your own needs. Surround yourself with people who celebrate the real you. And, as cheesy as it sounds, remind yourself daily that you are worthy of love, respect, and joy—just as you are.

Next time you catch yourself slipping into that old pattern, stop and take a breath. Remind yourself that you don’t need to compete for anyone’s attention. The right people will see you, appreciate you, and choose you—not because you’re performing for them, but because they’re drawn to the real you. Embrace that truth, and you’ll find that the spotlight isn’t something to compete for; it’s a place you naturally inhabit when you’re true to yourself.

With my whole heart,
Your Maddy