Me, Myself, and We
Falling in love is like downing a double shot of espresso for your emotions. One minute, you're riding the high, posting cute couple pics, and planning dreamy weekend getaways. The next, you're staring into the mirror wondering, "Wait, where did I go?" I’ve definitely found myself somewhere between "I love you" and "What are my hobbies again?" But over time, I've realized that it's not about choosing between being a partner and being myself—it’s about learning how to be both. Here’s how I’m navigating that balance and staying the fabulous, multi-layered individual I’ve always been, while still being part of the greatest duo to ever exist.
First things first—clock it. It’s okay to have a tendency to merge with your significant other. In fact, a lot of us do it, especially when we’re wrapped up in the honeymoon phase. But if you want to maintain your individual identity in a relationship, you’ve got to be honest with yourself and recognize when you're leaning into that habit. Being aware doesn’t make you clingy or dependent—it just means you know how you operate in love. Self-awareness is the first step, and once you’re there, you can start making intentional choices to preserve the essence of who you are, even when you’re living in that comfortable “we” zone.
Once you’ve clocked it, here’s the next truth: you’re already whole. This realization is what made me side-eye every romantic comedy I’ve ever watched. I get it, the idea of two people who “complete” each other is sweet, but honestly—you’re not incomplete. A relationship should be two whole individuals creating something even better together, not one person filling the gaps in the other. And if you find yourself relying on someone else to fill those gaps, it might be time for a little self-reflection. Just saying.
Maintaining your identity starts with recognizing that you’re enough as you are—partner or no partner. It doesn’t make you selfish or disconnected; it makes you strong enough to know you are you first. And that’s important, because being whole on your own allows you to be an even better partner.
Let me tell you about the time I got lost in the merge. I went full throttle into premier league soccer...and NFTs. Yep, you read that right. I’m quite literally screaming internally writing this right now. I had no business being into “Web 3” (don’t even ask me what it is now) and waking up at 6 AM to watch the Tottenham Hotspurs. But I did it because I thought that’s what couples do—share the same hobbies. In a turn of events that shocked literally no one, that relationship didn’t last. And honestly, that phase of my life was a perfect data point and reminder that not everything has to be a couple’s hobby.
Don’t get me wrong, couples’ hobbies are great, but your personal interests matter, too. Keep up with the things that make you feel alive. You’ll be surprised how having your own passions makes you feel more connected to yourself and, in turn, to your partner. Passion is hot, and I’m not just talking about the romantic kind—I’m talking about the kind that comes from being really into something that lights you up. Whether it’s painting, yoga, gaming, or collecting plants that you definitely don’t need more of (no judgment), these are the things that keep your individuality intact.
But hobbies aren't the only thing to keep alive—your friendships need some love too. It’s easy to get tunnel vision when you’re in love, but news flash: you’re more than just someone’s significant other. You’re also a friend, and your friends? They’re still out there, waiting for you to crawl out of that couple bubble. Schedule those brunches, text your group chat back, and don’t bail on your bestie’s birthday for date night. Trust me, your relationship will be better for it.
Friendships are part of your foundation. These are the people who’ve seen you through all the phases of your life (including that brief, ill-advised NFT phase). Keeping these connections strong helps keep you grounded—because you are more than your relationship, and you always have been.
Okay–let’s talk about space. Needing space doesn’t mean something’s wrong, even though it can feel that way at first. Sometimes, you just need a night to yourself with your favorite snacks, a Netflix binge, and a face mask. Or maybe you need a weekend away with your best friend, or an afternoon alone in a coffee shop listening to lo-fi beats and journaling. That “me time” is not a betrayal of your relationship—it’s essential self-care. In fact, taking time for yourself can make your relationship stronger because you’ll come back refreshed, centered, and ready to show up as your best self. Queue NASA by Ariana Grande.
I think I talk about the importance of communication in every single blog post, but it’s important here, too. Talk to your partner about your need for independence, and encourage them to do the same. Whether it’s scheduling solo nights once a week or having monthly check-ins about how you're both feeling, keeping that dialogue open is crucial. This creates a healthy space where you can both be individuals while still growing as a couple.
But here’s a tough one: if you find yourself constantly compromising your identity to maintain harmony, it might be time to hit pause and reevaluate. Are you losing sight of yourself for the sake of the relationship? Are you giving up on the things that matter most to you? If so, it’s time for a reality check. No relationship is worth losing yourself over. A healthy relationship lifts you up, not boxes you in.
At the end of the day, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself. Cheesy? Maybe. True? Absolutely. When you maintain your identity in a relationship, you’re not only taking care of yourself, but you’re also giving your partner the best version of you. And that’s the kind of love that lasts.
With my whole heart,
Your Maddy
