When You Know, You Know. Allegedly.
When I was a little girl, I had vivid dreams of my future wedding day. I’d dream of what I hoped to look like all grown up (spunky plot twist, I’m cuter than I anticipated), and I had every detail of my special day plotted out in color – down to the last napkin fold – minus one detail.
Every time I made it to the altar in my dreams, the face of my future partner blurred into a kind of genderless, featureless void. Looking back, it's almost as if my subconscious was hinting at the complexity and uncertainty ahead.
“WHeN yOu KnOw YoU kNoW” insert SpongeBob meme here. ‘Tis the battle cry of the “knowers.” I have always been camped firmly in the “I have no idea” zone, and the mantra makes me feel trapped in a pressure cooker of expectation. It serves as a constant reminder of my perceived inadequacy in navigating matters of the heart.
I could be mid-date with a perfectly wonderful human and suddenly, I swear hear Cupid whispering in my ear, "Hurry up and find 'the one' before your love expires!" It's as if there's a sell-by date stamped on every budding romance. I have grown to so resent the sense of urgency imposed by this invisible countdown timer.
When that "WYKYK" mantra starts looping in my brain, my internal panic button gets stuck.
Here's what genuinely goes on in my head during these moments: Do I know? Nope. So, does that mean this person isn't "the one"? Should I cut ties now, before investing too deeply? But what if I'm just slow to catch up? What if giving in to my fears means I'll torpedo something beautiful just because I haven't hit that "knower" milestone yet? Will I ever reach it?
What if my hesitation is merely a symptom of my own reluctance to embrace vulnerability? What if I'm inadvertently sabotaging a potentially beautiful connection in my quest for certainty? Is there a danger in settling, not for something inherently inferior, but for a semblance of security that ultimately fails to serve future me? Do you f*** with the war? (Queue Pillow Talking by Lil Dicky.)
That ramble is all to say that this whole idea that you magically know when you've found your soulmate sounds more like a rom-com script than a realistic expectation for us mere mortals. And let me tell you, there's a big difference between love and limerence. Relying solely on intuition in our romantic escapades? Sounds like a tightrope walk to me.
**Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person, typically characterized by intense emotions, fantasies, and longing for reciprocation, often without a deep emotional connection or commitment. It’s basically when you have a big ole crush without any real information to back it up. Been there, bought the T-shirt.
I'm not discounting the existence of love at first sight or those rare instances of instantaneous connection. To those who have experienced such phenomena, I offer my heartfelt admiration and respect. But for me, and perhaps for many others, the journey toward love is a nuanced and introspective one, characterized not by sudden epiphanies but by a gradual unfolding of understanding and affection. WYKYK is just not always an applicable mantra. My mantra is probably more like, I have no flipping idea what is going to happen but I’m enjoying this moment. IHNFIWGTHBIETM 4 LYF.
I'm all about those serendipitous, heart-fluttering moments that make you feel like you're dancing on cloud nine. But real love? That's more than just a lightning strike of emotion or a gut feeling. It's deeper than that, more nuanced, more enduring. All I’m saying is that it’s fair that your “knower” radar may take more time to get there. I think that’s really okay. I’m certain that the face of my future partner will eventually be clear and our love will be more beautiful than anything childhood Madeline could have ever dreamt. Until then, Queue Slow Burn by Kacey Musgraves.
With all my love,
Your Maddy
