Hello from the Other Side (of My Depression)
Before we get into it, I think a trigger warning is in order. I’m about to detail my own experience with two incredibly heavy topics– depression and suicidal ideation. I feel super naked, but if my story resonates with just one person or encourages them to open up about their own struggles, then I’m a nudist.
Alright - let’s talk about the time my brain was hijacked by a murderer trying to kill me.
It all began slowly – like a leaky faucet dripping pessimism into my psyche. Those snarky morning remarks and self-deprecating jokes about my appearance seemed harmless initially, easily dismissed with a few positive affirmations — I’m a bad bi***, you can’t kill me!
But as time passed, the narrative in my head morphed from rude to fully sinister, and there were no affirmations strong enough to ward off the dysphoria. Every glimmer of light in my life was swiftly snuffed out by this dark force, leaving me in a perpetual state of darkness. It was full dark, no stars. (Hehe that is the title of my favorite collection of Stephen King short stories.)
But it wasn't just darkness; it was... plotting. Subconsciously, I began planning my exit strategy, making arrangements for my dog, and even composing goodbye letters in my head. The worst part? It all felt out of my control like someone else was pulling the strings. I was trapped in a loop, with no end in sight. Before I knew it, I had chosen my expiration date and was counting down the days. The depression in my brain was suffocating me, and I felt powerless to stop it.
Months passed in this bleak state, and I found myself inching closer to what I believed would be my last day on earth. I was basically living in the sequel to "Groundhog Day," except Bill Murray never gets a break, and the punchline is existential dread. I couldn't bring myself to talk about it – maybe out of pride, maybe out of fear of burdening my loved ones, or maybe simply because I didn't want to be helped. I just wanted the pain to stop.
Then, by what I now believe to be a fated intervention, I had an unexpected encounter with an old friend. (This is the day that I learned if I want to keep anything a secret, I cannot partake in any activity that lowers my inhibitions. That being said, my inhibitions were lowered and I was ready to yap.)
We ended up having an impromptu heart-to-heart. It started as our usual banter about philosophy and life, but in a moment of vulnerability, I spilled the beans about the murderer in my brain. My friend was shocked, to say the least, and I felt guilty for burdening him with my struggles. But what he said next changed everything.
"We can't stay here."
He looked me in the eyes and asked me to hope. Out loud. He challenged me to envision a future filled with hope and to share what that looked like. It felt like an impossible task – my depression had grown so immense that even small hopes seemed unattainable. (Note: I’m fully sobbing at this point. Think, Pixar movie marathon.) We talked in circles for hours, but eventually, something shifted inside me. With tears streaming down my face (shoutout Coldplay), I hoped. And with this hope came relief – the first I had felt in almost a year.
That's the insidious thing about depression – it convinces you to ignore your instincts and shun the idea of seeking help. But that conversation was a turning point for me. Soon after, I mustered up the courage to reach out to my doctor and finally get the help I so desperately needed. And yes, I cried through the entire appointment too. But those tears were a testament to the strength it took to ask for help – and the hope that had begun to flicker inside me once again.
I am deeply grateful to be alive and to have overcome that period of depression. Since then, I've cherished countless beautiful memories, formed deeper connections, and experienced profound personal growth. Reflecting on that time feels surreal because I am now so far removed from that dark headspace. It's incredibly empowering to realize that it all started with just one vulnerable conversation.
Phew, that was a lot.
I'm sharing my story in such detail because I want everyone reading this to understand the stark contrast between the persona a person can project and the thoughts floating in their head. Despite considering myself a generally bubbly person – full of smiles, laughter, and joy – I was simultaneously battling the darkest depths of my own mind, silently hovering my finger over the self-destruct button.
Moreover, I want to emphasize the importance of reaching out for support. Sometimes, a simple conversation or a lending ear can be the lifeline someone desperately needs to navigate through their darkest moments. My dream world is one where we normalize seeking help and offering support to those who may be silently suffering. To live in a community where no one feels alone in their struggles, and where compassion and understanding are readily available – and I believe that starts with being super honest about our struggles.
We all need a team to lean on, and I hope you find solace in yours when times get tough. If you're searching for a teammate, what I lack in athleticism, I make up for in spirit (Go Team!) — and I’d be more than happy to be that spirited teammate for you too.
With my whole heart,
Your Maddy
