Arguments Are Awesome! No, Really, They Are.
As a reformed people-pleaser, arguing is genuinely the last topic I would have ever predicted I’d feel as strongly about. But alas, I am always growing and glowing, so here we are. I have come to realize that if done correctly, arguing is just a zesty way to learn to love someone more deeply.
Hear me out—I’m not talking about the type of arguments that lead to holes in the wall. Those are ugly arguments, and we don’t tolerate that around here. It is never okay for someone to make you feel afraid for your physical or emotional safety. I’m talking about healthy arguments—the kind where two souls clash and collaborate to understand each other better. Notice the nuance—I didn’t say they’re aiming to prove who’s right.
The goal of an argument should be to foster connection and understanding. If you’re ready to sound the BS alarm—I hear you. And I’m not telling you to start a fight with your partner for funzies. I’m asking you to consider reframing your perspective about this unconventional route to deeper love.
It sounds counterintuitive, as most of us have experienced arguments that lead us to feel disconnected from our partner, romantically, platonically, or otherwise, but it’s true. Arguments are shape-shifters. By that, I mean—if you are feeling some type of way, she (she being a repressed emotion behind the argument) will manifest however she sees fit at that moment. Your boyfriend leaves a dish in the sink? Instant fuming. Your bestie ghosts you for three days? Cue the fury. Your sister raids your wardrobe without a heads-up? I am literally going to implode. But are we actually arguing about the dishes, the texts, or the clothes? Let’s talk about it.
Join me, my children, as I tell you the tale of the worst fight my ex and I ever had and how hindsight has me itching for an edit button.
How it went: At the tail end of my seven-year relationship, I decided I wanted to get a tattoo. It had been a long-held desire, but I’d always hesitated, fearing the disapproval of the grown-ups in my life. But as I neared graduation from grad school, I felt ready to mark my adulthood and independence in ink. I was psyched to share this with my boyfriend, only to be met with his resounding "nope." He made it crystal clear: he wasn’t a fan of tattoos, didn’t find them attractive, and didn’t want me to go ahead with it.
And so, the battle commenced, lasting a solid three days. He couldn’t believe I’d want to move forward after he expressed his strong feelings, and I couldn’t believe he’d make such firm snap judgments about anyone, let alone me. Ugh, lots of tears that week. At the time, I thought he was being totally unreasonable. We talked in circles about his adamance and my rebellion. All this fuss over a Pinterest-inspired ocean wave that is completely covered by my clothes? Be so forreal. Looking back, though, I realize we weren’t arguing about the tattoo.
You see, our relationship wasn’t exactly easy. We fell in love young, and growing pains were part of the package deal. At this point in our timeline, our relationship was shaky, but neither of us was ready to confront it. For him, the tattoo symbolized more than just ink on my skin. It was the first falling domino in the line of play that would eventually lead to the beginning of our paths diverging. So what happened? I got the tattoo, and we broke up a few months later. It was, in fact, the first domino, and our paths did eventually diverge.
How it should have happened: We should have both been curious - him, inquiring about my tattoo craving, and me, probing into his resistance. I should've asked him to elaborate on his aversion to ink and expressed how his words left me feeling. I needed to ask for reassurance that the tattoo wouldn’t alter his attraction to me. He should have asked me about the tattoo and why the sudden desire, and sought reassurance that my ink lust didn’t signify a lack of love for him. Perhaps if we had come at the conversation with more kindness and curiosity, we could’ve forged a deeper understanding of one another. And heck, maybe we woulda got matching tats! (Lol)
Do I believe that if this one conversation had taken a different turn, our lives would be drastically altered today? Of course not. But I do acknowledge that this conversation was emblematic of many others we had. We fought over small matters that were symbolic of deeper issues. (Something to consider the next time you are bickering about dishes, texts, or clothes.)
To be honest, our paths were likely destined to diverge anyway— and I believe that we are both better suited for our current paths. However, looking back, I see the instances where we drifted apart when we should've been drawing closer together.
My journey from a former people-pleaser to someone who sees the value in healthy arguments has been truly ground-breaking in my life. Arguing, when approached with kindness and curiosity, has deepened my connections. It's not about proving who's right but about understanding each other better. Reflecting on the pivotal conversation with my ex about getting a tattoo, I realize now how it wasn't about the ink at all—it was a symptom of deeper issues in our relationship. While I don't believe altering that one conversation would have changed the course of our lives dramatically, it serves as a poignant reminder of the importance of communication and understanding in any relationship. I'm grateful for the lessons learned and the growth that has come from them. So, do it better than I did and embrace arguments, lean into curiosity, and strive to connect deeply with those we love. (And get lots and lots of tattoos. Huzzah!)
With my whole heart,
Your Maddy
