Gold Medal in Codependency
“I tackled you to the ground and made you say that I'm good at singin, I keep diggin. Tell me I'm worth it. Tell me I'm perfect.” — Queue Codependency by Orla Gartland
What do y’all know about codependency? If you’re not super familiar, you’ve come to the right place. I’m an expert. The Board of Codependents recently reached out to gift me a gold medal, so yes, you’ve landed on the perfect blog.
I am, of course, overcompensating with humor, because there’s something about this topic that feels… embarrassing. As someone who prides herself on being confident, independent, and, let’s be real, occasionally hot, admitting that I struggle with codependency makes me feel like a fraud. But why should it? Sue me for prioritizing my relationships! God forbid I try to be a good partner, friend, or family member and get a little lost along the way. Let’s get into it.
Codependency, if you’re unfamiliar, is a dysfunctional pattern of behavior where someone’s self-worth and identity become overly tied to their relationships, often at the expense of their own needs. In simpler terms? It’s when you’re so focused on making sure everyone else is happy and stable that you forget to ask yourself, “Am I happy and stable?”
For me, codependency sneaks into my life in ways that feel small but add up fast. It looks like putting someone else’s needs ahead of my own, even if it means skipping meals, sleep, or my sacred Sunday self-care rituals. It’s feeling so responsible for other people’s happiness that I start to transform into a human-sized emotional support animal. It’s being so hard on myself when I let someone down that I begin questioning my competency as a person, even though logically, I know I’m doing my best.
And while I’m painting this with a playful brush, the truth is that it has shaped how I navigate relationships in a profound way. When I’m deep in the codependent trenches, I start measuring my value by how much I can give and how indispensable I can be. It’s like I’m running a one-woman campaign to be crowned Most Needed, forgetting that love and connection aren’t supposed to be transactional.
Codependency doesn’t just exhaust you—it slowly breeds resentment. You start feeling frustrated when the people you care for don’t reciprocate the same energy, even if they never asked for that level of involvement. You feel unappreciated because you’ve tied your worth to your efforts, and when they go unnoticed (or simply aren’t needed), it’s easy to spiral.
What do you mean you can make dinner for yourself? Like ok cool so you hate me?
The unspoken truth about codependency is that it creates this paradox where you’re over-giving out of love, but deep down, you start resenting the very people you’re trying to help. It’s messy, unfair, and deeply human.
The first step to breaking out of this pattern is realizing you’re codependent. Sounds simple, right? It’s not. Codependency often hides under the guise of being thoughtful or deeply committed to your relationships. But there are signs if you’re willing to look for them.
Do you feel anxious when you’re not in control of someone else’s happiness? Do you find yourself over-apologizing or constantly seeking reassurance? Do you prioritize others’ needs to the point that your own get pushed aside, over and over again? And do you feel secretly bitter when your efforts go unnoticed or unreturned? If you’re nodding along, welcome to the club.
Once you recognize these tendencies, it can also be important to acknowledge them with your people. Trust me, it’s not an easy conversation, but it’s a necessary one. Letting your loved ones know that you’re working on this can relieve some of the unspoken tension that codependency creates. It’s as simple as saying, “Hey, I’ve noticed I have a tendency to overextend myself, and I want to work on taking better care of myself so I can show up in a healthier way for us.” You don’t have to over-explain or justify—it’s just about being honest and setting the stage for healthier dynamics moving forward.
So what’s the solution? Fucking relax. Excuse my French, but I mean seriously. Engage the logical part of your brain and trust that your relationships are stronger than one missed hangout or a skipped episode of Naked and Afraid. Your partner will still love you if you take that solo yoga class. Your friends will still adore you if you can’t make it to the group trip this weekend. In fact, giving yourself space to prioritize your own needs makes those connections even richer. When you allow yourself to take a step back, to breathe, to fill your own bucket, you give the people in your life a chance to miss you, to appreciate you, and to choose you. One more time: let them choose you.
Work toward healthy love in all relationships. Healthy love isn’t about overextending yourself or being indispensable—it's about mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It’s a love where both people feel safe enough to show up as their true selves, without fear of judgment or abandonment. In healthy love, you support each other’s growth and independence while staying deeply connected. It’s not about achieving perfection, but about creating a balance of give and take that feels right for both of you. At the end of the day, healthy love means you love that person, but you also really love you, too.
Final thoughts: being free from codependency isn’t just about fixing relationships with others—it’s about healing the one you have with yourself. Take a deep breath. Slow down. Give yourself permission to prioritize your needs without guilt or shame. When you stop measuring your worth by how much you give, you'll start to see the real magic of relationships: they’re not built on your self-sacrifice, but on mutual growth, trust, and respect.
Let go of the pressure to be everything for everyone, and instead, focus on being the best version of yourself. When you do, those relationships you care about will only become stronger, richer, and more authentic. Now go ahead, take that solo yoga class or skip the group chat for the night—you’ve earned it.
With my whole heart,
Your Maddy
P.S. If you need me, I’ll be in my room playing that Orla Gartland lyric on repeat because I am good at singing (and living).
